THE INTERNET GOD

CHARACTERS

EZEUGO – the custodian of Iyi shrine

IZUNNA – the only child of Ezeugo who returned from America

DRUMMERS

CHORUS

DANCERS

***

EVENING

The stage opens in Ezeugo’s compound. The full moon awash the compound. Ezeugo is sitting on a wooden stool bare-chested in an old wrapper,  the fold dropping between his legs. He is looking at Izunna, who is in shorts, jacket and boots and sitting on a rubber chair, his arms resting on the sides of the chair. He’s wearing a camera around his neck. 

EZEUGO:    I’m thankful to the gods for leading you home safely, across mighty seas. A safe 

                      arrival is the prayer for every journey.  I know you were not planning to return

                      again.

IZUNNA:     You know that’s not true. I was planning to return at the right time. Do you know

                       how much I paid for my returning ticket ? 

EZEUGO:    You returned for a better course. I sent you to America to go and study and not

                       to settle there after studies like a wanderer. My time on earth is not long anymore. 

                      I will be joining my ancestors soon. It’s your time now to take over. 

IZUNNA:     Take over the family house or what ?

EZEUGO:   Take over the shrine Izunna. Have you forgotten you are the heir custodian ? Was 

                      this not our plan that you must return after studies to take over. 

IZUNNA:     It was papa but, but, that was before I saw America. Papa, no one who sees 

                      America will ever return to their old ways. Papa, the plan should be for you to visit

                      America and not me taking over some fetishes. America is blessed. America

                       is………..

EZEUGO:    Shut that pit you call mouth, (enrages) who are you to call the gods of my fathers 

                      fetishes ? The fetishes provided money for your studies in America and protected

                      you in America. The fetishes made you what you are today. You must serve Iyi. 

                      It’s a must. It’s only a foolish son that spits his mother’s food because of the aroma 

                      of the food from the mother’s co-wife's  kitchen or wait, you have joined the 

                      church ?

IZUNNA:     Papa, don’t bring the church into this. Since I am the next custodian of Iyi, hope 

                       I’m allowed to take him with me to America because that’s the only way I can

                       serve him.

EZEUGO:     You are joking right ? (laughs) you want to take the gods of my ancestors with

                        you  to America ? Iyi, to America ? (laughs)

IZUNNA:     I am not joking papa. Iyi will be global if I take him to America. The whole world

                      will hear of him. Think about it.

EZEUGO:    I would bet that you left your senses in America. So, you want to carry Iyi with 

                       you to America and sell him there right ? Like our brothers did years back, but,

                       how did they end ? Go and ask. Anyone who wakes the sleeping bee in search of 

                       honey will spend the rest of their life wandering in the bush.

IZUNNA:     No one is going to wander in the bush. Why will I sell Iyi ? I cannot do it. Papa, is 

                       Iyi on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?

EZEUGO:    What are those ? 

IZUNNA:     They are social medias. If I open account for Iyi on those, he will go international.

                      People all over the world will begin to follow him and come for help and pay in

                      dollar.

EZEUGO:     Is this not like, what do you call it again ? Inta, inta…..

IZUNNA:      Internet! (exclaims)

EZEUGO:     Chịm ọ ! So, you want to make the gods of my fathers ịntanetị God ?

IZUNNA:       Yes. The internet God. You know, I will be a custodian with swag.

                       (changes his sitting posture to show swag)

EZEUGO:     How will you cast spells then? Ịgba afa.

IZUNNA:      Papa everything will be on the internet. I will cast spells for my clients through

                       Skype.

EZEUGO:    What is Skipu ?

IZUNNA:      (Smiles) it’s video communication between people on the internet. I told you. Iyi

                       will go international.

EZEUGO:     During the Iyi masquerade festival how are you going to get the masquerades 

                       over to America ? Or you will go back to America with the men in the masquerade  

                        cult ?

IZUNNA:      Papa I won’t be needing the masquerades here for the Iyi masquerade festival. I 

                       will use more sophisticated masquerades. Have you heard of Halloween ?

EZEUGO:     What is Hallowee ?

IZUNNA:      It’s the modern masquerade. Iyi will love the masquerade. They come in grotesque

                       faces. I will surprise you Nna’m. 

EZEUGO:    What are you going to feed the gods of my fathers in America ? Iyi accepts only 

                       white soup and pounded yam for his festivals. 

IZUNNA:      Papa I am sure that Iyi does not talk. Iyi has been taking white soup and pounded  

                       yam because that has been the only food you cook during his festivals. Have you 

                       tried giving him salad ? 

EZEUGO:     What is salad ?

IZUNNA:      Salad is a kind of vegetable food. This is 2013 papa, old time is changing. Iyi will 

                        not continue to have white soup and pounded yam during his festivals. I will add

                        other dishes on the menu later. But, just salad for now.

EZEUGO:     How are you going to invoke Iyi while offering libations to him ? Do you know  

                        any incantation ?

IZUNNA:      I don’t have to know a particular incantation to invoke Iyi while offering libations

                        to him. Listen to this, Iyi abracadabra, Iyi abracadabra, Iyi abracadabra, Iyi 

                        abracadabra!

EZEUGO:     Child, keep your mouth shut. What are you saying ?

IZUNNA:       You just interrupted my incantation. (Sighs) I nearly invoked Iyi now.

EZEUGO:      Izunna invoked who ? 

IZUNNA:       Iyi, papa Iyi.

EZEUGO:      Izunna, what is abracadabra ?

IZUNNA:       Abracadabra is the modern incantation. This is how the white people do it. 

                        (Smiles)

EZEUGO:     And you think Iyi will understand abracadabra ?

IZUNNA:      Why not. Is he not spirit again, the god of your fathers.

EZEUGO:    Women dance bare-chested during the new rain festival to pray Iyi for good

                       farming, how are you going to get the women over to America to dance for Iyi 

                       during the festival ? 

IZUNNA:      This is where strippers come in papa. 

EZEUGO:     What is stripa ?

IZUNNA:      Strippers are women who dance naked in a club house. A house where people go 

                        to drink and dance and have fun. I will employ them to dance for Iyi in America

                        during the new rain festivals. 

EZEUGO :     Did you listen to yourself ? You will employ prostitutes to dance for the gods of 

                         my fathers. Are you fine in the head ?

IZUNNA:       I am fine in the head papa. Iyi would even want to transform to a mortal man 

                        when the strippers would dance for him.

EZEUGO:     Every morning you must pray with Kola to Iyi. I believe there are no Kola nut  

                        trees in America. How will you get the kola for morning prayers to Iyi in 

                        America?

IZUNNA:       I don’t need Kola to pray to Iyi. Iyi as a modern God will have to accept whatever

                        I pray with to him. I will use chocolates, sweets, biscuits, it doesn’t have to be 

                        Kola.

EZEUGO:     Are sweets not the tiny round things you came back with that you shared to the

                        children ? 

IZUNNA:      Exactly papa. Did you not like the taste ? I can swear, Iyi is tired of the Kola you 

                        pray with every morning. He won’t reject sweets and chocolates. A modern God

                        needs a modern thing.

EZEUGO:    Remember that the shrine was built on the hill of Iyi river. There was a reason for 

                       building the shrine there, the water that is being used in the shrine is fetched in 

                       the river. In fact, history has it that Iyi chose the place where his shrine was built. 

                       What are you going to do now? You cannot carry the shrine with you to America 

                       neither can you carry the river.

IZUNNA:      Papa Iyi needs a modern shrine not that stinking and dirty shrine.

EZEUGO:     Do not call the shrine of my fathers stinking and dirty again.

IZUNNA:      This is the plan, the image of the shrine I have on my head will make Iyi popular 

                        and a king among his rivals. The new shrine will have a bar, air conditioner, 

                        beautiful sofas that will replace the goat skins you people use as mat, plasma TV, 

                        standing mirror, CCTV cameras, and big speakers. Tupac’s songs have to be loud 

                        while playing.

EZEUGO:      And what are these things?

IZUNNA:      (Laughs) A bar is where drinks are kept like champagne and gins. Good drinks. 

                       Air conditioner is a machine that makes the house cool and calm. Sofas are the 

                       modern chairs that has replaced the wooden chairs. Plasma TV is the modern TV, 

                       colored and not black and white. Standing mirror is the biggest version of the 

                       mirror, people need to look in the mirror after consultations to be sure they are in 

                       order. CCTV camera is a secret camera that will record what happens in the

                       shrine. If someone steals from the shrine, the camera will capture them. And  

                       finally but not the least, the speakers. These are used when you want your music 

                       to be loud. Not just music, films too. Music steady playing in the speakers, the

                       shrine will gonna be a hot spot. 

EZEUGO:     Who is the musician you mentioned then?

IZUNNA:      Tupac. A badass rapper.

EZEUGO:    Why would you want to play his songs in the shrine of my fathers? Why not  

                       Osita Osadebe, Oliver DeCoque, or Morocco Maduka?

IZUNNA:      Papa this is revolution. Everything that has to do with Iyi should be modern. Iyi  

                        will  love Tupac……

EZEUGO:     Palm wine is the official drink for every festival. Does America have palm wine?

                        Or you will import palm wine from home during the festivals?

IZUNNA:      Papa have you tasted champagne before?

EZEUGO:     What is champin ?

IZUNNA:     Champagne not champin. Champagne is a foreign drink, it will be the official drink 

                       for festivals once I’m made the custodian. Palm wine is archaic. You need to have 

                       a taste of this drink called Champagne. (Laughs)

EZEUGO:    You know that during the Iyi festival, the drums made with lion skin are used  to

                       sing  praises to Iyi. You do not call on the spirits without the mighty drums. How 

                       are you going to do it ? Who’s going to beat the drums for you in America? Do

                       you even  know the songs? How are the villagers going to attend the ceremony?

IZUNNA:     Papa, Iyi is still listening to the lion skin drums because he hasn’t heard the songs 

                      of  Enya and Yanni. 

EZEUGO:    Who are they?

IZUNNA:    They are musicians. Their songs will resonate well with Iyi. And the villagers can 

                      join the ceremony on Skype. I will buy them a computer when everything is ready.

Drums are heard off stage. Five girls in red shorts and top made of ankara enter the stage from both sides and begin to dance in uniform spreading their hands, shaking their body sporadically and moving in circle. The beads around their waist are rattling. The chorus off stage begin to sing praise song for Iyi. 

Ọnye na enye akụ, Iyi

Ọnye bu chị àlà, Iyi

Ọnye ka iso na ụdị mmiri na ọkọchi, Iyi iiiiiiiiiiiiii 

The drums change tempo and the dancers run out of the stage. The drummers stop immediately.

EZEUGO:     Can your musicians sing like the singers you heard? Does their drums sound like 

                       the drums you heard ? How are these dancers going to dance in your computa?

IZUNNA:      Papa, my musicians sing better than the singers I heard. They don’t use drums.

                       They use keyboard. Drums are archaic. For the dancers, they will dance here and 

                        I will watch them on Skype in America. They are not entering the computer.

EZEUGO:     What type of chicken will you be sacrificing for Iyi in America. Iyi accepts only 

                        the blood of our native chicken. I bet there is no breed of our native chickens in 

                        America. How are you going to do it ?

IZUNNA:       Iyi has been taking the blood of the native chicken because you haven’t given him 

                        the blood of an Agric. You cannot see the breed of the chickens here in America. I 

                        will be sacrificing American chickens for him. I bet you, he will love their blood.

EZEUGO:      (nods) During the season of the full moon that is now, will you always come back

                         home to go to Iyi river for the full moon sacrifice? You know that the full moon

                         sacrifice must be at the Iyi river. How are you going to do it?

IZUNNA:        Papa, there are rivers in America. Everything changes in my regime. I don’t need

                          to come back home for the full moon sacrifice.

EZEUGO:       Izunna!

IZUNNA:        You are surprise that I am wise ? (smiles) You named me Izunna. 

EZEUGO:       I have confirmed.

IZUNNA:        (Smiles) That I am wise ?

EZEUGO:       No. That you are mad. Effortlessly mad. I was never a part of this discussion. A 

                          son who stands on the soil of his ancestors in conspiracy with the father against

                          his chi, will have madness ravish him until the only memory that would remain 

                          of him will be his foot-prints on the path leading to the market. 

                          (stands up and leaves the stage snapping his fingers)

IZUNNA:         Papa this is not a conspiracy. This is revolution. Cheers old man.

                         (brings out a lighter and packet of cigarette from the pocket of his shorts, takes a

                         cigarette from the packet and puts fire on it, drags it and blows the smoke up).

 Lights out